I tried

by

    I always thought that things between us would be okay, but lately you have been pushing me away when I tell you that I miss you. I have tried to ignore it but it still hurts and sometimes I lay awake at 3 am, thinking what I have done wrong. I have tried to not give a care and drink until I find myself next to the toilet, hearing voices yelling: "Are you okay?" and even that couldn't stop me thinking of you and my wrong decisions. This idea to get drunk was your fault, because the night before you reminded me that we're just friends and we'll be just that for many years to come, until you decide to land from your journey and start a family and no one knows if that would be me by your side.


    I am that kind of human that will hold on to whatever is left until nothing is in my hands. I forgot that you were never mine and your soul was free. I forgot that my closest friends taught me to never fall for a free spirit, because then I'd get hurt the most. It seems that you're hurting me all the time and I can't stop myself from falling deeper and deeper underground. I have tried meeting other people, but at the end of the day, you're still the one that I want to say goodnight to. Maybe I want to say goodbye, but I can't really end something that has never started. We were never together, we were just friends that will stay friends for a long, long time. But why do you make it seem like we're together and we could have a idyllic life together?

    Why do I keep holding on, when even to you my intentions seem silly and plain impossible? It's a nice question and I keep asking myself this question almost every night before sleep. Why should I stay grounded when you're flying? Why should I drink to forget you when you don't need alcohol to forget my face? Why should I even bother? Don't get me wrong, I still meet other people, but it's hard for me to find someone that has the same interests as me and also is accepted by my disturbingly high standards. It's even harder to notice someone else when you are attached to someone who you consider your ideal, but sadly is one thousand miles away.

    This relationship is slowly draining me, my friends already see me slowly fading and it's harder for them to realize that they can't even help me. I am the problem. I fell in love with someone I can't have. I don't know how to let go and I don't know how to let someone in. I unintentionally hurt my closest friends when they just wanted to help. It's all my fault. I never wanted to live like this and I never wanted to hurt anyone, but I still managed to do this in three month's time. 

    I have lost it all for a free spirit.